Carole's blog

Getting Married? What’s in a Name?

12 October 2018 By In Relationship Advice

This entire discussion is relatively new; historically, taking your husband’s last name upon marriage wasn’t up for debate. The first American woman to legally maintain her surname was Lucy Stone, who in 1856 became an icon for women who wanted to buck marital traditions (for decades after her, women who kept their names after marriage were known as ‘Lucy Stoners’).

Nowadays - regardless of your gender - you have the option to keep your own name, change it to your spouse’s, or keep both and be double-barrelled. The name you choose could be motivated by personal or professional reasons.  Sometimes there may be a valuable professional identity that you wish to retain, which will also require discussion.

Husbands can be sensitive to their wife’s decision to retain her surname and may find it hard to get beyond the perception of her not being fully committed to the marriage; likewise, some wives may feel that they are giving up too much of their own identity if they take their husband’s surname.

Choosing your name is an important decision, and if it is a sensitive issue to you and your partner make sure you give it the consideration it deserves. Don’t expect to sort it out with a quick chat in front of the telly when you’re both tired.  There is less chance of you coming to the right decision if you discuss it through mouthfuls of Doritos while trying to concentrate on the Coronation Street Omnibus. The chances are it will take more than one conversation, and that’s fine. This decision is here for the long-haul, so turn the telly off, take your time and give it your full attention.

Do: 

  • Select the right time to have a discussion by yourselves, without interruptions, and don’t rush to make a decision.
  • Remain positive and seek to find a resolution and agreement that suits you both.
  • Be honest about what each of you wants and why, and then look for a win-win solution that might meet your needs.

Don’t:

  • Use the three minutes of an advert break to hurriedly broach the subject through a mouthful of crisps before Coronation Street comes back on.
  • Treat this like a competition and enter discussions as if you are opponents looking to win the day.

Here's Your Next Step

If you're feeling lonely and would like to find out what's getting in the way of you finding a partner or if you'd like to improve your relationship with your partner, then please call me.

It can help to talk and here's the number -  + 44 (0) 20 8954 1593 or email me if you prefer at: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Or fill in my on-line consultation.   Whatever is best for you.  I hope to hear from you.

 
Carole Spiers

I am a Relate-trained Integrative counsellor & member of the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy (BACP). Working as a Relationship Advice expert, I appreciate that you maybe going through a rough patch with your partner, spouse or even your children. Let me help you find the key to improving your relationship that will increase your joy & understanding of each other.

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Contact Carole

Please feel free to contact me in confidence today

T: +44 (0) 20 8954 1593
E: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
Skype: CSG0806
A: 83-85 Gordon House, Stanmore, Middx, HA7 3QR

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Find me on Social Networks. Follow me & get in touch with me today.

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